One night I was perusing the internet and came across a clip of an entertainer named Lizzo. She had just performed her song “Truth Hurts” at the BET awards and her performance was trending. I had never heard of this artist nor the song before this moment but decided I would give the video a few minutes of my time.
I was mesmerized by her performance. I started listening to some of her other songs and watching other performances she’d done and that’s when I decided…
I want to be fat like Lizzo.
Like most high school teenagers I thought I was fat and needed to lose weight. At 5’4” and 150 pounds, my doctor agreed with me. I was slightly overweight for my height, but even on my best day I could only get down to 145 pounds. I was very active. I watched what I ate, worked out regularly, and even participated in sports. However, I could break the overweight threshold.
After giving birth to my first child my weight struggles escalated. Now I struggled to maintain the 150 pounds I worked so diligently to hold onto in my youth. I tried to stay active and eat healthy but that decreased in consistency over time.
I’ve always had a passion for fitness. I went on to become a certified personal trainer and eventually obtained a degree in health and fitness. All it meant was I knew what to do and was qualified to help people do it. However, I continued to struggle with the goal of getting my own body weight in that healthy range.
I eventually left the fitness industry, gained about 50 pounds, and started living a very mundane and depressing life. I not only hated my poor health, I hated my job, I hated where I lived, I hated my boyfriend, and probably even hated myself. I knew that losing weight wasn’t going to solve all my problems, but looking in the mirror reminded me of the disarray my life was in. I hated it!
When my mom died, I resolutely decided to reclaim my life back. I dumped my boyfriend, lost the 50 pounds I’d gained, quit my job, reconnected with fitness personally and professionally, and even started teaching group fitness classes. I felt like things were looking up.
Four years later I found out I was pregnant with child number three and child number four. Just two months after giving birth to two beautiful baby girls, my boyfriend died suddenly.
Present day, I am 5’4” and 197 pounds. My cholesterol is high and my blood pressure is creeping up too. My knees ache constantly and my diet sucks. I’m exhausted constantly and I have two 3-year-olds to keep up with. Technically, I’ve always been fat, but now, I truly feel it.
Working in fitness for as long as I have, I’ve seen people in all shapes, sizes, and fitness levels. I used to admire the fit physique, the bikini body if you will. Now, I admire the fit lifestyle. I didn’t look at Lizzo and see a fat girl in little clothes. I didn’t see a big girl on stage in something she had no business wearing. I didn’t see another entertainer out here sexualizing herself for attention and sales.
I just saw a talented, hard-working woman pursuing her dream with all the vibrance and energy in the world. I saw a woman who clearly loves her craft and takes it seriously. I saw a woman that put effort and sweat into the preparation of her performances. I saw a woman that could’ve danced circles around me on any given day. This woman just so happens to also be fat. And when I saw her on stage dancing, singing, playing the flute, and loving every minute of it, I decided that if I’m always going to be fat anyway…
I want to be fat, just like Lizzo.
After spending a year in grief counseling, I started to see that my life needed a major overhaul. Yes, my boyfriend died making me the single mom of our infant twins, but I was still grieving my loss of innocence from decades of abuse. I decided to turn my pain into a new purpose and to share this journey with others that may need some motivation.