This pass Sunday I reminisced with my email community about a journaling experience that left me and my newborn baby stranded at the hospital. The ordeal was dramatic and rather traumatic. It left me feeling very uncomfortable with journaling ever again. Although I continued to journal, most of the emotions I wrote were filtered and shallow. My intentional journaling turned into a “dear diary” sort of experience. After a while I did stop journaling because I wasn’t getting anything out of it. It felt pointless.

In episode three of the Our Royal Community Podcast, I interviewed Brian Sheppard of Cinderella Strong. He is a fitness trainer focused on empowering women to be the best version of themselves mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well as physically.

So you know I gave him the side eye.

I worked in fitness for too long and I’ve seen way too much misogyny in the industry to fall for this. However, I was a little curious. How genuine could this guy really be? I followed his social media for a few months and watched a few of his YouTube videos. I determined that his message seemed genuine but before I’d interview him for the podcast I needed to talk to him first.

I really could hear the passion for his message in his story, his voice, and his brand. I became really excited about doing the interview!

But can a man really empower women? I can’t say for sure, but I believe it’s important for men to empower women. I think it’s important for women to empower men. I think everyone should be doing their part to empower men and women. And if you are a woman planning to marry a man and build a family as well as a legacy, then it’s crucial that your man know how to empower you.

Empowerment is defined as the power given to someone to do something. Initially when I read that I stopped liking the idea of a man empowering me. Once I read it again, I had to take note that it doesn’t say permission given. It is power given. I probably should be with a man that incites the power within me to build the vision that we have for ourselves. He certainly shouldn’t do it alone, especially not with a capable woman by his side.

Empowerment takes less words and more actions. In the interview, even Brian talks about what he does for his clients, totally outside of fitness, that empowers them to raise the standard on everything else in their lives. Beyond his words, there are actions that convey the passion and the message that truly empowers women.

In situations involving domestic violence, the total opposite happens on purpose. The man is so weak that he needs the women to be weaker. Empowering her will give her the tools she needs to do better. She’ll start doing better personally and professionally. She’ll realize how broken he is and resent the fact that instead of healing himself, he just decided to break her too. He can’t have that, so he berates, belittles, and abuses her. He won’t empower her and nobody else better do it either.

Not all situations where a man doesn’t empower a women is out of malice. There are circumstances when a man just doesn’t know how. After a very long break up with my late boyfriend we started communicating again. One of the things he said to me during that reconciliation was “I’m sorry I didn’t love you properly.” There was a period of time when I didn’t believe he loved me at all, even after his death. However, I did come to realize that he really just didn’t know how. He loved me the best way he knew how. He didn’t know how to build, and he didn’t know how to empower. He knew how to be an amazing companion with a genuine heart. But he was in no position to grow or to help me grow. There was never going to be any power in our collective union, and it’s the #1 reason I spent so much time refusing to marry him.

My late boyfriend’s mother called me one morning. I didn’t answer. I called her back about 45 minutes later on my way back home. She asked where I was and I told her I was just leaving my grief counseling session. She became so worried about me. She assured me that everything would be alright and I was going to make it through. She told me she would continue to pray for me and to just keep holding on.

Instant regret.

I will admit that her generation probably felt the biggest brunt of that stigma with mental health, especially in the black community. I do believe that one of the reasons we embrace it more now is because it feels more relatable. Our mothers, fathers, siblings, and a bunch of friends and other family members are mental health practitioners now. It’s not just some random person listening to all your business. The therapists we get to see, ranging from grief counseling to substance abuse counseling, are people we can relate to.

However, there is still a stigma with it, and it’s a shame. It’s a shame because for some of us, the mental health journey started long before our adult-life stressors and our self-care regimens. Mine certainly did. A few months ago, I talked to my email community about the time I was admitted into the psychiatric ward of the hospital, but that was well into my 20’s. Let’s talk a little about where it all began.

I wrote a letter to my favorite magazine when I was in elementary school. The Highlights’ magazines had an advice column and I was in desperate need of some advice. I told them about my mother calling me stupid, dumb, and a few other colorfully derogatory names. I told them how it made me feel and that I didn’t know what to do. It took a few weeks but they wrote me back. The advice was theoretically sound but useless in my set of circumstances. Talking to my mother about my feelings was out of the question. I couldn’t imagine that she’d care. I imagined if she did care she probably wouldn’t have said those things in the first place. I decided that although the letter was garbage, I needed to be very careful about how I disposed of it. If anyone found the letter the backlash could be just as hurtful. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that I was right.

I hated sleeping over at my aunt’s house. She would spend the entire weekend berating and belittling me. I never talked back or raised my voice. Most of the time I just wondered why I was there. If she hated me so much and I was so inferior, why have me over? The actions were wrong, but the intent behind them felt evil. It felt like…abuse.

After I swallowed a handful of pills from the bathroom medicine cabinet, an instant regret set in. I became terrified. I was terrified that I might die and all at the same time I was terrified that I might keep living. I burst into tears. I left the bathroom crying hysterically over this conundrum I’d just put myself in. In between labored gasps I was able to say what I’d just done to which the response was, “What you telling me for?”

After a few months of seeing a therapist to address my suicidal thoughts, my therapist had to move to Ohio. Her husband accepted a new job and she was leaving me with some referrals. I was hopeful that the next therapist would be as nice and helpful as she was. She gave the list to my dad at my last appointment. After pulling out of the parking lot my dad turned to me and said, “You’re fine now, right?”

Just a few months into my freshman year of high school I found myself lying to a very good friend of mine. In my mind I felt like I was doing the right thing. If I told her that the last time I slept over at her house her father molested me how would that change her life? Would she see him differently? Would she see me differently? Would it break up her family? By this point I had determined I was at fault anyway so why ruin anyone else’s life when it can all just go away? The disconnect created distance and…

…it just went away.

I feel like I never got to be a child, at least not the child I wanted to be. I often wonder what kind of child I would have been. What would I have done differently growing up? How different would my path be? What kind of person would I be now? Sometimes I get angry thinking about how normal my life could have been if my mental health had been more of a priority back then.

Although it may seem that the mental health journey starts with seeking help, it starts with those first words or encouragement, or otherwise. It starts with that loving hug, or otherwise.

When we neglect our physical health we find ourselves in the doctor’s office looking for a cure for our ailments. We take precautionary steps to keep ourselves healthy, but when there is an issue, we seek help. The same strategy should be used when it comes to our mental health. We should practice sound and effective self-care strategies regularly. When an issue arises, we seek help. What happens to quite a few is we still ignore issues. We ignore the hurt and illnesses that are associated with mental health and wonder why we aren’t getting better. We wonder why life feels so hard. We wonder why we are stuck.

Just like your physical health, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Self-care is essential. Detoxifying your life and space is important. Your mental health often dictates how you live. And please believe that poor maintenance of your mental health, can contribute to the reason you die.
 
Click here to check out this past Sunday’s podcast episode on Mental Health.
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